Here’s a news flash for you: if the response to my last post is any indication, it turns out that Jews love to argue about food (among other things).
When I set out to write My Definitive And Absolutely Correct Ranking Of 40 Jewish Foods, I was really just working out my own inner feelings about my “native” cuisine. Instead, and through no fault of my own (or entirely my fault, depending on your stance on sour fish), I unleashed a Hebrew hurricane.
The story spread quickly beyond my small fan base of family members and fake Twitter followers from Russia to a much larger community of whitefish lovers and kasha defenders. True, most people seemed to find my descriptions both humorous and nostalgic, but many took great umbrage with the rankings themselves. The most common criticisms:
- I ranked chopped liver way too high
- I ranked chopped liver way too low
- I ranked gefilte fish way too high
- I ranked gefilte fish way too low
So now I’m confused.
Others were too. Steve Benowitz wrote:
Undercooked chicken? Who ever heard of a Jewish mother (or, g-d forbid, your bubbe) undercooking anything? They all learned to cook practicing on brisket, which is always overcooked.
Many wrote in about their own versions of specific recipes (sorry, none of them will make me eat pickled herring). Some added interesting ingredients, like Barbara Lee Silverman’s secret potato pancake addition:
As for the latke, pre-Cuisinart, a little blood from the four-sided grater never killed anyone!
In related news, I’ve cancelled my Passover plans at Barbara’s house.
Speaking of which, a few readers (strangers all) have invited me over to their next holiday feast…and who am I to turn down an invite for free food? Expect a future post or two about those neighborly experiences after they happen, something along the lines of Dinner With Nice People Who I Don’t Know That Hopefully Won’t Kill Me For Sport In The Middle Of Their Seder Service.
Others shared their secrets to managing an unsavory Jewish dish, like Wallace Hoffman’s boyhood memory:
When my Mother turned to speak to my Father, I took the glob out of my mouth and put it in a shoe under the table. I then made my way to drop the gooey glob in the toilet…Somehow the odor in my shoe was not of my socks for a very long time.
This advances the “spit the spinach into a napkin” approach used by generations of children to a whole new level. I’m nominating Wallace for a Nobel Peace Prize.
And others, between rebuttals of my various arguments, simply called me a moron One of my favorites came in from Sonia Fuentes:
It is not surprising that Michael is so wrong in his evaluations. You will note that he has set forth absolutely no qualifications for rating Jewish food…I have to do some legal research to find a legal basis for suing Michael in court or submitting the matter to a dinei Torah.
Who knew that the whitefish and kishke communities had such powerful lobbies? I may be starting a Go Fund Me soon.
But, other than the occasional threat of legal action, many readers simply pointed out that I had missed crucial items that belonged on any list of Jewish foods.
To that end, I thought I owed it to the community of readers to present my “Miss List”, items left off my initial post and supplemented with a brief explanation for the exclusion. My previous disclaimer continues to apply: you’re entitled to your opinion, as long as we all agree that mine is right.
CHOLENT
By far the most passionate negative reaction I received was for leaving out this Jewish stew, usually comprised of a simmer of meat, beans, barley and potatoes, plus various secret ingredients to make one Jewish family feel superior over their peers. Since this dish was (and is) a staple of observant readers (the slow-cooking stew could be prepared before the Sabbath begins), my omission was considered sacrilegious and possibly grounds for the revocation of my Bar Mitzvah certificate. My reason (and this will only stoke the flames further): I can’t for the life of me recall actually ever having cholent. This despite the fact that many synagogues appear to host Pillsbury-Bake-Off-like contests for the best cholent preparations in their congregations. My horizons officially opened, I will look for a local cholent experience and get on board if I can (even though my computer’s spell-check has occasionally changed the word to “cholera”, which is a little disconcerting).
P’TCHA
Nothing screams “come and get it!” like a healthy portion of jellied calves feet. Good lord. Never had it, never will. Would have ranked dead last on my list if I had only thought of including in. But I choose never to think of this again (although the image above may be burned into my retinas forever).
OTHER DR. BROWN’S FLAVORS
Not only did the Cel-Ray lovers rise up, but so did the Black Cherry and Root Beer defenders. Both the latter are fairly acceptable substitutes for my beloved Cream…but I’m not caving on Cel-Ray. (By the way: Black Cherry soda cans always seem to explode all over me every time I open one. No idea why, but I’m officially angry at Black Cherry now. I’m calling for a nationwide boycott.)
TONGUE
Eep. Look, I know when we’re eating meat we’re eating animals, and tongue has its strong admirers in the deli community. But I just can’t get over the derivation of this. It’s, you know…COW’S TONGUE. Here’s where we really need a food consultant to rename this so we don’t feel so conflicted when we eat it. If it was called something like “shiztran” or “drewnami”, we’d probably eat it happily, none the wiser that Bessie was chewing her cud on top of this thing a few weeks before.
EGG CREAM / CHOCOLATE EGG CREAM
So we go from one product with a too-literal name to one that is an outright lie. To be clear: THERE IS NO EGG OR CREAM IN AN EGG CREAM, just milk, syrup and carbonated water. Despite those kosher qualifications, I guess I just don’t consider this to be a Jewish staple. And milkshakes are better anyway.
POTATO KUGEL
Whoops, I forgot this one when I mentioned their sister Noodle. Basically an oversized latke cake, served in thick slices. Crispy on the outside, soft on the inside. Eggs, potatoes, onions baked into a pie with enough oil to lubricate a Chevy Malibu? Yeah, I can go for that. Like, RIGHT NOW. If you’re going to carb-bomb, do it like this.
BORSCHT
Soup that looks like blood, which scared the crap out of me as a kid but now makes me feel primal and feral. Huge dollop of sour cream required. Didn’t include this because it seems like its a part of too many other native cuisines, but still feels a little more Jewish than most. 97.3% chance of staining your shirt during consumption.
GRIBENES
Chicken or goose skin cracklings. The Jewish version of fried pork rinds. Seems like both a bad idea and a fantastic one. A by-product of making schmaltz…double the fatty fun! If I ate these regularly I’d be 730 pounds.
HARD BOILED EGG IN SALT WATER
A Passover staple. Because Jewish food needs more salt in it (seriously, how are we not all hospitalized before we’re 20?). As a kid I’d always leave the yolk in the dish, because someone told me that’s where the baby chicks came from and I didn’t want to be an accessory to murder. Then I’d ask for more briscuit, because I’m a hypocrite. By the way…do other cuisines use ingredients to constantly remind their followers of the bitter tears of their ancestors? Man, our food can be a heavy load.
STUFFED CABBAGE
A few people mentioned this one, typically served around Simchat Torah, but I never eat it. It’s, well…cabbage. My mother made these from a frozen Lean Cuisine box, so maybe my experiences aren’t exactly premium. Even so, if this is our burrito, we could have done better.
BLACK AND WHITE COOKIES
Ooooh, I forgot about these. Yum. Feels a little more general bakery than really Jewish, but more bonus points for Seinfeld appearances. I ALWAYS ate the chocolate side first, because that is how its done and eating the vanilla side first signals to the world that you’re a neanderthal.
BIALY
Look, I don’t want to argue on this one, so I’ll keep this brief. It’s a poor man’s bagel. I don’t see the point.
BOILED FLANKEN / FLANKEN SOUP
Short ribs, cooked long and slow, can be delicious. But there’s our naming problem rearing its head again. “Boiled Flanken” sounds a skin disease. I guess this can taste good, but gray meats aren’t usually much of a turn-on to me.
So yes, there were plenty of misses and possible mistakes on my list (and a few I wish I had never seen in the first place). But I still want to hear your thoughts!
Head on over to my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/toolazytowriteabook/ and comment. Make sure to like the page while you’re there to get notified about future posts!
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